It couldnt be, and it never should have happend
by Heel Princess
Summary: Oneshot: Jeff Hardy Angst. Jeff writes down his deepest secret. Jeff/Lita. Read and review please. M for language and sexual situations


**Ok, so when i first started watching wretling one of the first storylines i remeber seeing was the team extreme break up...jeff was comforting Lita and so on. italics are jeff writing and normal print is what is currently happening. I wanted them together and always loved the pairing, over due but here it is...read and review please.**

_Some people say that your soul purpose in life is to find the one person who completes you, the one person who makes you whole. The ying to your yang, that human puzzle piece who magically seems to perfectly fit your body as if they were made to be one with you. Now I wasn't so sure I believed in that sort of thing, fate and all that but she made me believe. Even when I wasn't sure that destiny was something that existed I knew that it shouldn't be easy to find your true love and that should have been my first sign. Because for me it was easy, too easy and that's where the problem stems from I suppose, your soul mate shouldn't be right under your nose, mine was. I'm sure your all wondering how finding your true love could be a problem, well it is when she's not the woman you call "girlfriend" and she happens to actually be your brothers girlfriend. _

_Ouch, I know…and by now I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about. You know her as wwe's Lita but I know her as Amy Dumas, the most incredible girl to ever walk the earth but already devoted to my brother, Matthew._

Jeff stopped typing for a moment and cracked his knuckles; it was all so hard to write down. He was so ashamed of the past but it was eating him up inside and he thought that maybe, just maybe, if he got it all out of him this way that he might feel just a little better. Any relief would be welcomed since he hadn't been sleeping well lately, she filled his dreams even if everything he was subconsciously remembering had happened years ago. For some reason it was hurting now more then ever, he wanted to tell Matt, he ached to but it had been covered up so long that he didn't no where to start. Besides it was him who convinced Amy not to all those years ago. Some nights she didn't get a chance to haunt his dreams because he never actually fell asleep, he just laid awake and thought about what could have been if he had of let her tell him. He may have lost his brother, but would he be happy now?

One final stretch and the rainbow haired man was back vigorously typing away at his laptop.

_I know, I know that isn't how it is now, her and Matt are long over but this happened before they broke up…this happened before Adam._

_It was late 2004,the Kane/Lita storyline was in full swing, and things between Matt and Amy off screen seemed perfect. He was face again; they got to do some onscreen stuff together and Vince was even allowing them to stay on the same show even though he wanted Matt on Smackdown. But like I said things "seemed" perfect._

_I'll never forget the night I knew she was the one that made my heart beat faster… Matt and I were having some huge party at home, I don't know what the occasion was now not that it mattered; we never needed too big of a reason to gather friends together at Matt's home in North Carolina. Whatever was going on though it was pretty crowded, and I noticed that Amy was nowhere in sight. So being the good brother I was I went to check on her, since Matt was a little too tipsy to even realise she was gone. I searched everywhere for her and when I finally did find her I couldn't believe my eyes. There she was curled up on the bathroom floor, wedge between the bathtub and the sink, clinging to a picture crying her eyes out. She looked up, and she looked so broken, so pitiful…when her gaze caught mine she crawled across the tiled floor to me and wrapped her arms tightly around me. "I don't know what to do." She wailed, burying her face into the crook of my neck._

_I remember the scent of her now, a mix of coconut and something I couldn't put my finger on, but whatever it was the smell still lingers. "What's wrong?" I asked her, gently brushing the back of her hair with my fingers._

_"It's Matt," She explained, "How do I tell him…" And those were all the words she got out before she began to sob harder against my shoulder._

_The whole scene was making me uncomfortable; I didn't know what to do to console her. Beth had never shown that kind of emotion since we had been together; we just weren't the kind of people to cry in front of someone else. But here Amy was, completely falling apart in my arms. "Tell him what?" I asked her, still combing her hair with my hands._

_Instead of answering me she pulled out the picture that she had been hugging to her chest, "Look at us." She said to me, pointing to the framed photograph. I immediately recognized it as belonging on the mantle in living room. It was of Matt and Amy in the fall of the previous year, they were smiling and it was a picture of love if I ever saw it._

_"I don't understand," I said, taking the frame from her and laying it on the floor since it was obviously upsetting her. "Why are you crying harder looking at this?"_

_Her face turned away from me, "It's not like that anymore. I just don't know what went wrong but those people in the picture aren't how Matt and me are now. Jeff, I think I've fallen out of love with him."_

_You all would probably think I would have been in total shocked and not had a word to say, picked myself up and went and got Matt to let them hash things out. I was never one to interfere in other people's lives, we all walk our own path…but instead I shocked myself when I stood up shut the door and lowered myself back against the wall to sit down. "What do you mean fallen out of love? You two are the happiest people I know."_

_"I think that's one of the problems, everyone thinks were perfect…we aren't. He cares more about partying like he is now then trying to figure out what's wrong between us. Matt just pretends we're peachy and turns a blind eye to everything. Well I've figured it out without him, Jeff I don't love him anymore. There I said it."_

_"You don't mean that," Was my first response but when I looked in her eyes it was pretty clear that she was completely serious._

_Her face fell in her hands, "We've just been together so long and I know now that I was just staying with him because I didn't know anything else. Love isn't supposed to about obligation it's supposed to be about passion, a burning fire that makes you want to throw away everything for that feeling. I want to feel that Jeff, is that selfish of me?"_

_"No." I replied, and reached out to gently brush a loose strand of hair out of her eyes. She was stunning, even with tears streaming down her face._

_It was at that moment that we both realised exactly how close our faces were, I should have turned away but her hot breath hitting my face was mesmerizing. Somehow my lips found their way onto hers and she surprisingly didn't pull away. I felt her tongue dance with mine in a torrid kiss unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It was then however that I remembered that she was Matthews's girlfriend, that it was wrong, and pulled away._

_Now, that was where it all should have ended. Once I pulled away I should have apologized, got up and left…but I didn't. What did happen was her arms snaking up around my neck, my mouth finding her collar bone and me laying her down on the cold floor of the bathroom. Amy lips moved back to mine with an urgency I'd never felt, I wanted to stop, I really did but I was helpless and so was she. I would describe the feeling as outer body, I literally felt like I was watching myself fuck up and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it._

_Her hand moved to my belt, unclasping it as she panted into my mouth. I couldn't control the feelings I was having no matter how horrible what was going on was. Breaking our kiss momentarily I pulled the black t-shirt over her head as she rolled my jeans down over my legs. I couldn't stop now, not even if I wanted to and at the time I was sure I didn't want to stop. Like I said it was wrong, yet somehow nothing had ever felt so right._

_I remember moving in and out of her slowly, dragging out the inevitable as she moved along with me. Our bodies seemed to unexplainably fit together perfectly, as if I was made only to complete her. Even now I can still feel her breath on my ear, the quite moans becoming louder and louder each time I touched her._

_If I close my eyes I can map out every curve of her body, I retained every detail and it has played over and over in my head ever since._

_Her hand laced with mine as I put them behind her head knowing that at any second it would be over. I could feel her body shutter and that was when I locked my eyes with hers never letting them leave until she had hit her wave of ecstasy. Amy's back arched and her head titled back as her eyes clenched close, the pleasure being almost too much to bear. It was then that I ran my tongue up her chest, between her breasts to the sensitive flesh of her neck before moving across her jaw line and back to her mouth again. Her breath was ragged against mine and I then felt her body clench around me and release which sent me into eternal bliss with along her, calling her name as I came. "Amy."_

Startled Jeff jumped in his seat at the sound of a knock on his bedroom door, he looked up to see Matt peeking into the room causing him to quickly save his work and violently shut the laptop. "Matt." He said softly, watching his brother walk into the room and take a seat on the chair behind him.

"Your front door was open so I just let myself in. You ok? You look shaken up."

"I'm fine." Jeff responded, covering his computer with his forearm, trying his best to shield it from Matt's view.

It seemed though that it only drew more attention to the piece of technology, "What are you doing, writing some new songs?" He asked, knowing his brothers usual pass time.

"Yeah, yeah…music."

Matt reached across him, "Cool can I see?"

The younger brother immediately swotted his hand away, "No!" Matt shot him a confused look, "It's just you know how I am, it's not finished yet and I don't want anyone seeing it till I'm done and completely satisfied."

"Ok ok, you don't have to be so touchy." He responded before sitting back comfortably in his chair. "I just came over to tell you our flight is changed from 5 to 6, that will give us just enough time to get to the arena so don't haul ass ok?" Jeff nodded at him, desperately awaiting his brother's deparcher, he just wanted to get back to writing because if he stopped now he might never get the whole fucked up story down.

Sensing the animosity in the air Matt decided to just go, questioning Jeff didn't get you anywhere when he was dead set on something like he seemed to be about being alone right now.

The number one contender turned back to his desk and opened up his laptop. He ran his hand back through his purple hair before his fingers found the keys again. Retelling everything had him all worked up, just thinking about that night made him weak with desire. It was pleasure he'd never known, that he would never know again.

_Afterwards she cried and I knew it wasn't because she regretted it or I had hurt her, no I immediately knew that she was shedding tears of relief. For her us sleeping together gave her an out from Matt and along with that new feelings that had obviously developed, because I knew I didn't have sex with her…I made love to her._

_We lay there for a while, just her skin on mine in the bathroom, seemingly contemplating forever. It boggled me how with one action everything would be different, and it also scrambled my brain that I hadn't seen what had always been there. She had always been in front of me; we had always been close friends not only by circumstance but joined by our love of music and animals among other things. We were always more alike then her and Matt, if he hadn't of seen her first I couldn't help but think that me and her would be happy now. They seemed to always be about sexual attraction, something that was instant between them. But we were kindred with an underlying sexual frustration brought to the surface on that night._

_I'm pulled back to reality when she asks me how we were going to tell Matt. What had I done? "We can't tell him Ams…that was incredible and I'd kill to know what its like to wake up to your beautiful face everyday. But we can't do that to him, you leaving him will crush him but telling him about us will surely kill him. He's my brother and I love him, as right as this felt, I can't cause him that kind of pain."_

_She said she understood and swore to me she would never tell him. In my mind I pictured her leaving him and me and her somehow winding up together but that's not what happened, not even close. She didn't leave him at all, after our night together she just went on pretending like she had told me that Matt was and they were together for almost another year. And that's when Adam came into the picture._

_Adam Copeland, better known to you wrestling lovers as Edge, rated r superstar and one of the first wrestlers in history to help blur the lines of kayfabe and reality. When the story broke about him and Amy it wasn't hard for me to work up anger to display for Matt. I wasn't actually mad at her though; I knew it was only her desperate way of trying to get out. My anger stemmed from the fact that Adam had touched her; it didn't take much for Matt to piss me off let alone him. Just Matt placing a hand on the small of her back made me want to kill my own brother so thinking about Adam having his filthy hands all over made me rabid._

_That time is a blur also, I know I called and cussed her out to Matt only to call her back later that evening and apologize, tell her it was all a show and ask how she was. Then Matt went on his tirade blasting her everywhere he went, and it only seemed to fuel Vince as he took the storyline to new heights every time Matt said a word. It got to the point were I couldn't turn on a tv to watch Raw anymore, seeing her with him made me even more livid then Matt was._

_Her and Adam didn't last long, only a few weeks if Matt's backstage sources are correct but they were trapped in the storyline. Vince milked that cash cow for all it was worth, and props to Adam as it catapulted him into main event status._

_On August 21, 2006 I returned to the wwe, she was still tethered to his side storyline wise but luckily when I went out to lay the smackdown on Edge (no pun intended) she wasn't at ringside. Amy was in fact outside after filming a vignette of her throwing Cena's title belt into the harbour. So what was masked as picking up for my brother allowed me to take out my frustrations on Adam, on live TV no less._

_Later that night we had a match and she was forced to screw me out of the win. After that little stint we didn't really see each other much, I was pretending to be mad at her for Matt and she was trying to pretend that it didn't bother her to see me. It drove me crazy that I was so close to her but couldn't reach out to her in the way I wanted._

_Shortly after however, Amy had had enough and when her contract expired she didn't resign and left to pursue her music, something I dabbled in myself while I was away from the wwe. I never saw her again, and too this day I love her. How after one night with someone do you know you love them? You just do._

_As I'm writing this I'm still with my long time girlfriend Beth, like Amy was with Matt I don't know how to leave her. But I am certain it wont end the same, there wont be any more affairs on my part because I only love her, Amy. I hear she's dating a band mate and it's pretty serious, for her sake I hope he makes her happy, that way one of us will be._

_I just hope that in time I will forget about what happened between us, so I don't end up getting myself fired. I'm sure all you dirt sheet readers have heard about me being hauled out of an airport for public drunkenness. Well then I'm sure that by now you've figured out why, I was trying to drink away her memory. Nothing seems to work, she's burned into my brain and it looks like it's for eternity…_

He stopped typing and sat up straight in his chair, he did feel a little better now that it was all down. Of course he would never publish his confession, it was just a form of release…the only release he would have he hoped. Things were crazy and he just prayed that he could let it all go now, he prayed that he could give Beth the life that a kind woman like her deserved. But as much as he wished it wasn't true he knew he would always pine for Amy.


End file.
